The Real Reason You Can’t “Get Women”

This post is inspired by reading this (and the following comment thread):

http://queerguesscode.wordpress.com/2013/03/22/un-memorizing-the-silence-is-sexy-date-script/

I know, I know, internet comment threads are always wretched (especially when writing about gender roles) but one thing struck me about the angriest responses: they sounded like insulted professionals, angry that their profession was being misunderstood.  They viewed “getting women” as a challenge, as something worthy of significant effort like getting money or fame.  One response sticks out in my mind:

“Why would he even be hanging out with her if he didn’t want to have sex?”

So, in the spirit of investigation, I googled the phrase “how to get women” to try and understand their viewpoint.

And I got 4.5 BILLION results.  That’s more than half the population of Earth.

There’s a curriculum, actually, for all those aspiring “woman-getters.”  I’ve included a few images to give you an idea.

Fun fact: there was actually a point in my life where I looked into some of this stuff.  A friend loaned me a copy of Neil Strauss’s book and the Layguide.  It seemed perfectly logical–I was unhappy with my relationships and sex life, so why not improve those skills?

But I ended up learning a very different lesson than most of the guides teach (and I want to write about that story, too, but that’s an entirely different blog post).  The real answer is hidden in the question itself.

Question: How do you get women?

Answer: Stop using the word “get.”

Because that’s the real problem here.

When people say “I want to get more women,” they’re really saying “I want to get more sex, I want to get more companionship, I want to get more intimacy” . . . get, get, get.  They will be happy if only they can get what they want.

But you really have no control over what life gives you.  The concept of assured getting is a destructive fantasy . . . this is not Chuck E. Cheese’s; you do not redeem your tickets at the end for a prize.

Here’s what happens when someone lives this way:

• They put themselves in a position of emotional poverty.  Compassion, love, caring — when someone says they want to “get women,” they’re saying that their internal emotional landscape is barren of all these things, and that they have to import them from other people to fill the gaps.
• They put themselves in a position of powerlessness in their relationships, because they always need things from others.
• They repel those around them, because they have nothing to offer in return.
• Their lives are controlled by the fear of NOT getting, and they get internally or externally destructive when that happens.

Not great, right?

What’s the alternative?

When you accept that you have no control over what you get from people, it begs the question: what do I have control over?

And the answer is simple: you only have control over what you give to people.

And it’s much better to focus on what you have control over than what you don’t.  The moment you let go of “how can I get this?” you free yourself from an impossible burden.  Acknowledge that you have no control over what people give you and focus on serving them instead.

Because that’s something that you can control.  And it’s much more satisfying to apply your energy to something you can succeed at.

The irony is, of course, that people (women included) enjoy being around you a lot more when you’re not always trying to take from them.  They can relax and be more open  when you have more genuine concern about what you can do for them than the other way around.  People give you more when you’re not worried about what you’ll get from them.

So if any of those angry commenters are reading this article, I hope this helps:

You don’t have a problem “getting women.”  You have a problem “giving to people.”